A week has passed since my retirement. My brain still looks paralyzed at this reality. Retirement has not become a reality for me yet. I am feeling urged to do something else all the time even though the idea of working at the former office is getting behind my consciousness and is seemingly not occupying my mind so much any longer.
Some friends, already retired, tell me I would have much fun in retirement. The others tell it is difficult for them to accept retirement leaving some thoughts at the former office. When driving on less crowded streets in the daytime, I feel I have become quite free from duties. On the other hand, I won't feel settled down whatever I might do anywhere. Paralysis in brain might come from this mixture of feelings.
In sometime, the feeling of loss might be replaced by the pleasant idea of freedom. I don't know if I could move this way so soon. In the subconsciousness level, I guess, I am still deeply involved in my former work.
I have cared for a boy aged 23 years since his infancy. He used to have pretty severe asthma which made him hospitalized for a few times at a hospital I used to work before starting own practice. He has had some other health problems and has consulted me and my wife from time to time. Now, graduating form a university in Tokyo, he has started working here. In the end of last month, when his mother has visited me at the clinic for medication, she proudly reported about his son. As I told her, however, I would close my office and have it taken over by another pediatrician, her face suddenly clouded.
She has had her eyes full of tears. She told me, even when she and his son were not attending to my office for consultation, she was relieved seeing the sign of the clinic along the street. I was touched a lot by this words. It was a real expression of her faith on me. Such faith from a patient's mother was a real reward to me as a pediatrician. It has made my life meaningful. It was me who should thank to her, I thought. I realized how deeply involved I have been in this job for years.
I believe it is a feeling of being torn that I have had since retirement. It might take me sometime to be cured from this sense of loss. I should make an effort to leave this feeling behind and to go forward anyway for it is the time for me to do so in my life. The parttime job may help me to take off from this career milestone. I am sure I owe those patients so much for they have made my life worth living for years. Having the feeling of appreciation to them, I will depart for the other end of my life.