I am a kind of timid. I hate seeing a doctor for health problem. I won't see him/her until I get a serious problem. When I have some health problem, I would consider of the possible cause for the problem. I am inclined to diagnose pessimistically by myself. So far, I haven't made correct diagnosis for myself yet.
About 20 years ago, when I worked at a hospital, I had a colleague doctor who had finished the postgraduate school specializing in Pathology. I wondered why he has returned to clinical medicine since Pathology is a basic medicine and has probably promised him a career as a researcher. He had taken days off for a few days. It didn't seem to be a vacation for him. When I came across with him in the hospital after his coming back, I asked what had happened to him. He answered to me, as if he had had nothing special, he got lung cancer with metastasis to brain. He seemed to have had chemo and radiation therapy. I fully understood what brought him back to the clinical work at the hospital away from his career as a researcher. He looked straight at me and told what stage of the illness he had been in. as if he introduced his case in conference to me.
It was me who had been surprised to hear that. What conflict has he had in his mind? It was beyond my imagination. He had worked there for a few years since I quit the hospital. So far as a person working with him told me later, he had worked until very last moment of his illness. In the end, he has been transferred from the hospital to a med school hospital on an ambulance car. He has given indications for the drip infusion to the personnel in the ambulance car by himself.
When I heard of this story, I wondered what a job a medical doctor should go on for. It is really a hard job, not only physically but also mentally. He has worked hard for his patients; I have heard he was a doctor of capability and was relied on by his patients. He has had own such a problem, which he must have known what outcome he could expect. Curtailing his own life, he has worked hard for them. I wonder his knowledge of the ultimate outcome has relieved him or has strained him. It might he;p him to prepare for that. But, seemingly, no relief to him, I guess.
I wonder if I could live at the last moment of life as he did in his life. Being a medical doctor, we might have the bright side as well as the dark gloomy side in our lives. It might be a Karma for doctors. Hopefully, I would accept it as it is.