My mother's 109th heavenly birthday

My brother gave me an email early yesterday morning. He told me it was our mother's 109th heavenly birthday yesterday. I was aware of her birthday but never thought of the 109th.

He told me he used to present her a diary for birthday every year. Her diaries he still held says how she has spent her last years over here. When it became difficult for us to care for her in Alzheimer's disease and we were taking her into a nursing facility, brother wanted to care for her by himself and his wife in Sendai city. It was in April 2006 when she departed her last trip where she spent a few years with them and later at a nursing facility there until her death in 2011.

Before her move there, my brother and his wife used to visit here once a couple of weeks and cared for mother during the week end. So devoted to our parents, especially to our mother, he didn't care for that regular trip here. Our sister also came to see her at the same interval when brother and his wife won't come here. 

In the repley to brother, I wondered if I could do more for mother. A question often comes up in mind with bitter emotion. I know I should have done more for her and should have made efforts to have her stay at this place, where she started bringing up the family with our father decades ago. 

My brother replied to me her diaries had told what a joy it was for her to do with her grand children and us and to live here. I still remember, when I brought simple breakfast, sitting at the table in the dining kitchen early in the morning, she used to pray quietly alone or to practise writing down chinese characters. She might be vaguely aware of suffering from Alzheimer or at least of forgetfulness in life. She might want to preserve her ability to write them.

Brother told me once she brought the steamed vegetable to him staying with her in a week end and told him to try that dish. She told him it was the breakfast I cooked for her. With shining smile on her face, as brother said.  

This story won't erase my bitter memory not having done what I could for her. But I was happy to know she had spent her last years in this way. It was also moving me a bit that brother had shared this memory with me possibly in order to alleviate my bitter thought about care for my mother. 

She used to utter, when she knew of her friend or relative passing away, she/he was now free from anxiety in the world and in eternal relief. She has lived her last years of life in that way. Suffering from Alzeimer's disease and being gradually deprived abilities of herself, she has accepted everything as it was without complaining of anything. It was a precious lesson she left to us. That is why we family members still miss her so much.  

It has been so cold since yesterday. Yet no snow. She might be named after snowy weather. Her name, Yukie, stood for snowed branch in Japanese. It might be snowy at this time in a year when she was born 109 years ago.